Splendid E-Zine - 2001
You've been given a robot that can be trained to perform one standardized task perfectly, as often as necessary. What do you train it to do?
Interview with S. Cinca
Shelby: Shuck corn.
You are seriously ill. There are two vaccines that will save your life, but both have side effects: one will permanently eliminate your sense of taste, and the other will permanently eliminate all feeling in your genitals. Which vaccine would you choose?
Shelby: Eliminate feelings in genitals.
Somehow you've gotten into a fight with someone twice your size. Where do you aim the first punch?
Shelby: Genitals (if they haven't gotten the vaccine), otherwise nose.
The "fast-forward" and "skip" buttons on all your stereo equipment are broken, and you can't afford to repair them right now. For the time being, you can only listen to albums from beginning to end, without skipping any songs. What albums in your collection are still listenable?
Shelby: DUNE soundtrack by Toto.
If given the perfect opportunity to be unjust, would a just person succumb to it?
Shelby: They shouldn't.
You've been asked to write the Encyclopedia Britannica entry on yourself. What does it say?
Shelby: See "Nigerian Folk Tales: Ife Region".
You've somehow been given the chance to spend the day with a character (not an actor) from any film or television program. Who do you choose?
Shelby: Indiana Jones.
If you could instantly learn to play one instrument that you don't currently play, what would it be?
Shelby: The Sitar.
The people of the town where you were born want to name a building after you. They've asked you to choose the sort of building that best matches your personality. What kind of building do you choose?
What month of the year do you least anticipate? Why?
Shelby: Hot months... I don't like the heat.
What animal would you most like to house in your back yard, if you could?
Shelby: A gazelle.
When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Shelby: Michael Jackson or Indiana Jones.
If you could buy any rare collection in the world, which collection would you choose? (This doesn't have to be a famous collection...but it can be.)
Shelby: Ancient texts from obscure secret societies.
What's the best advice you've ever received? Who gave it to you?
Shelby: "Your focus determines your reality."
You've been invited to perform as the middle act in a three-act bill. You get to choose the other two artists. Who opens for you, and who follows you?
Shelby: Nipsey Russell would open and Steve Martin would headline.
You've been placed in the Witness Protection Program, and must change your name. You're able to pick your new name. What do you call yourself?
Shelby: The Concept.
What lesson should the world learn from the failure of all those dotcom businesses?
Shelby: Humans are funny.
What steps should airlines take to help avoid a repeat of the September 11th tragedy?
Shelby: Hiring Ninjas to hide in the overhead compartments.
What is the greatest invention of the last ten years?
Shelby: The wheelchair that climbs stairs.
Thanks to a breakthrough in technology, you can have a perfect memory-recording of one event in your life. Everything is included --taste, smell, sound, vision and feeling; it basically means that you can relive the event over and over again. What event would you want to relive?
Shelby: Seeing the space shuttle fly over a random pond in the Washington, DC area with my dad while we were fishing.
What toy from your childhood would you most like to track down now?
Shelby: None -- I still have them stashed in secret complexes.
Assuming that money, legality, etc. is no object, what is your intoxicant of choice?
Which is more dangerous in the wrong hands -- guns or knowledge?